Monday, September 15, 2008

Why am I feeling down?

It has been more than 2 weeks I've been feeling so down and not quite myself. I feel sick, demotivated, unenergetic and damn so lazy. In fact it started since the accident I had almost a month ago. I am not fit physically and mentally. It started with physical pain and it affected my emotional. When my body recovered (except for the knee.. still have the pain till today.. hhmm.. am I turning into OKU (org kurang upaya)??.. nauzubillah).. my emotional still have not. I did 'mandi pulih semangat'. But it got better just a little while before it got worse. I dont think its because of the accident. My hypothesis is.. I may be pregnant and it got worse because of fasting.. its Ramadhan. But its not fair to blame on fasting. Not fair to blame on the pregnancy either. Fasting is supposed to 'clean up' your mind and soul. And pregnancy is a gift from Allah. But the effect of 'pembawakan budak' plus the puasa is so damn tak best langsung. I really hope I'll get better once the fasting month ended. And I really hope all the unstable hormones and whatever is happening inside my body rite now will stabilize after week-16. hhhmm.. if my calculation is correct.. i am in week 8.. aaaarrggghhh... 8 weeks to go. But that is just less than a half of pregnancy duration. Another different challenge(s) will come after week 16.

But the question is.. am I really pregnant? I have not checked. I just assume based on my period.. and all the morning sickness that I am having. I strongly believe (at least 90%) that it is true.. that I am pregnant. Why didnt I go for a pregnancy test? hhmm.. one of the reason is I dont want my husband get too excited. He already excited when I told him that my period was a week late. He already told my son that he's going to get a little brother/sister when he first time saw me vomitted in the morning. Most of all I dont want him telling everybody that I am pregnant again. I can guess what peoples reactions will be. My son is only 16 months... not even 2 years old. I'm afraid that he is too young to get a little brother/sister. I am also afraid to receive negative comments about me being pregnant ("cepat nyer", "kesian adam.. kecik lg dah dpt adik", "tak sampai 2 tahun dah ngandung lg?", bla..bla..bla). Anyway.. we did not plan for this. Am I ready to get pregnant? Honestly.. no. But I am already pregnant. I have to face it.. carry it .. anyway..

But another question is.. it is really true that this pregnancy makes me feel so down? It does makes me sick and unenergetic.. thats physical. But how about this lazy things and demotivated? Why am I feeling so damn lazy to go to work every morning? I feel demotivated too. I have to admit that sometimes the abundance of work stressed me out. Too many work to be done. I cant concentrate on any. I hate it.. because I am doing research. Focus is essential in this type of work. Sometimes I feel like resigning. Not because the pay or the benefits are not good. But more or less is because I am too tired. I feel overloaded. Why cant I discuss this problem with my boss? Because I dont think he/they will understand. Anyway.. they are the one who gave me all these works. Can I refuse to do the job given when they give to me? hhmm.... I dont know if I can.

Whatever it is.. I am tired. I want to go home and sleep... or watch some vcd/dvd to relax.