Just another unproductive day for a pregnant lady

Another unproductive day at work. Some people say pregnant woman is not fit to work. I think its very true. Since my pregnancy syndrome started about 3 weeks ago.. I noticed that I did not do much work at the office. I did not do things that I am supposed to do. I slept twice a day in the 'surau'.. just cant help myself. Even if I am at my desk, I seldom do my work.

Last week I was on medical leave for 2 days. This week luckily 2 days were public holidays (Chinese New Year). So I only have to come to work for 3 days. But the not so good news is I have to go to Demo Plant for 2 days. Very tiring.... 1 1/2 hour driving to Demo Plant which is about 92km from my house... and another 1 1/2 hour driving back home. There goes 3 hours of driving everytime I have to work at Demo Plant. Not that I don't enjoy working there.. in fact I enjoy more working in Demo Plant rather than in the office. But its just that my condition right now makes me feel so tired to do anything. The best thing to do for me is lying down in front of the TV.. hhmm.. cant wait to go back.

Can't blame this pregnancy for making me feel uncomfortable most of the time I'm awake. Not all pregnant woman experience the same as I do. In fact not all pregnancy feel the same. I remember when I was pregnant by 1st child, I had no problem, no sickness, I was active and productive. But my second pregnancy was not that good. I always got sick, back ache, morning sickness, less appetite, and immature contraction that I was admitted to hospital twice. My doctor had given me bed rest for 2 months before my delivery date cause I was not fit to work.

Well.. that is 'rezeki' that Allah had decided for me. And I thank him that I was not tested with more difficult test. I don't know how this pregnancy will be.. whether its going to be easy like the first one or less easy like the 2nd one. Whatever it is I pray that the baby and I will survive with the help from Him...

Ohh.. I just found out today that another friend of mine is also pregnant. How coincident. So there are 3 of us who are currently going through almost the same phase... the sickness and tiredness. 3 years ago the 3 of us also got pregnant at the same time. We call it 'penyakit berjangkit' :)

Kekuatan itu hanya dari Allah

Assalamualaikum,

Tak sangka dah dekat setahun blog ni tak ber'update'. My last post was in March 2011.. and now is already January 2012. Masya-Allah.. how time flies so fast. Rasa macam baru jer dok jenguk2 blog2 orang, especially my favorites. Bila kenang2 balik.. since April 2011 I have been fully occupied with real things that I should be doing at work. Yer la.. nama pun keje.. patutnya mana bleh blogging2 .. surfing2... tu dah menyalah gunakan waktu kerja namanya kan? Yes.. I have been working very hard last year after receiving 'hidayah' from Allah s.w.t.. after months of doing practically nothing at work (read my earlier post). Alhamdulillah.. Allah masih sayangkan saya.. Dia tak mahu saya terus menerima rezeki yang kurang diberkati (yer la.. kalo dah pegi keje tp tak buat keje.. kan makan gaji buta namanya tu.. na'uzubillah)

But why am I writing blog again now? Huhuhuhu... sesuatu yang tetap tidak boleh dimaafkan walau apa pun alasannya. Hati saya berbelah bagi dari td.. antara nak balik rumah atau stay di ofis. Kalo balik rumah saya x buat keje.. saya baring dan tido saje. Kalo stay di ofis pun saya x dpt nak buat keje.. sebab saya dalam fasa perubahan fizikal, emosi dan mental.. walaupun boleh dikatakan masih baru.. tapi kesannya memang terasa. Antaranya cepat letih, selalu mengantuk, perut 'gassy', mual n loya, hilang fokus, susah utk berfikir. Akhirnya saya decide to stay jer kat ofis n do some surfing. But this must not make a habbit.

Esok sy perlu ke Demo Plant. Dah sebulan tak ke sana. Ya Allah.. larat ker saya mengharungi perjalanan pegi balik ke sana.. dan stay di sana dari kol 10pg sampai 5 ptg. Ya Allah.. berilah kekuatan bagiku untuk bekerja esok. Sehari jer.. lepas tu cuti 4 hari.. Alhamdulillah .. boleh rest kat rumah. Semakin berusia semakin sukar pula nak mengharungi keadaan ini. Moga2 Allah sentiasa beri saya kekuatan. Amin...

The update, the CEP, the new friends, The Last Lecture and I

December 2010 was the most unproductive period at work. Apart from the health problem my family and I had, I seemed lost at work. Less motivation, less driving force, although I had my list of task to be completed. Some are less priority, some are too difficult to be done, some stuck half way through, some I simply refuse to do (boleh tak camtu? :)). In short, i think I just lost passion towards my work.

I thought when the new year 2011 came, it will change. Naahhh.. It didn't. So, there goes my January down the drain with very little progress at work. Hmm.. I wonder what did I do in the office. I must be doing NOTHING because I can't remember anything. That's bad!!

February came and I had to attend a 2 weeks leadership course. I was reluctant initially. Why? 1. I heard from participant of previous session saying that the course was boring. 2. I may not be able to go home everyday as the course is packed until late night. 3. I feel old to attend such course...haha. Realizing that everybody will be busy doing preparation for our R&D Day and I don't want to be part of that 'busyness', I decided to attend the course. But I set in my mind to be open, not to have high expectation, to learn and to have fun!!

Well.. I did have fun and learn a lot of things during that course. Got the chance to meet and know and work together with wonderful people from various division of SD. The course content was excellent, and so did the execution of the activities, the facilitators, the speakers. I had the most interesting and fun learning time. The course really motivates me to become a better person... a better leader actually.

I came back from the course telling myself that I want to be different and I want to make a different. It has been 1 week since I came back from the course. I think I am slightly different. Definitely not totally, but at least the way I look at things. One thing for sure is that I miss my new friends, especially my teammates and the time we spent together, which I never thought I will be. Ridzuan - the young enthusiastic Singaporean, Nadia - the pretty young lady with excellent English and a die-hard gym fan, Jag - the tallest & biggest & coolest Singh with favorite tagline 'boleh la boss', and Faiz - the cool and calm gentleman with high potential to become a great leader. They are my teammates.

I foresee that for me to become a better person (I prefer to use 'person' rather than 'leader'), it's not going to be easy. There will be challenges that I have to face, especially at work where the culture is already developed. People are skeptical when they see new change or the people who try to make the change. The biggest challenge I think will be coming from myself. I got to tell myself that although it's not going to be easy, it's not very difficult as well as long as I want to become a better person - POSITIVE and PROACTIVE!!

Today I started to read a book entitle 'The last lecture' by Randy Pausch, which I received at the end of the leadership course because I was voted by the participants as the top 5 leaders. :) Sangat terharu and sangat memberi semangat and peransang. But just after reading the first page, I couldn't help myself crying until I had to stop reading at page 5. Why? The fact that the author wrote the book because he knew that he was dying of cancer and he wanted to leave something as legacy, especially for his family. I was really touched knowing that he was preparing his family to move on with their life without him. He was still considered young, 40++ with 2 sons of age 5 and 2, and a girl of age 1. Can't imagine how his wife went through the days. I can't even imagine my life without my husband and my kids.

Anyway, I must continue to read the book someday. I will try not to get very 'into' the book. I want to learn something from the author and I believe he did leave a legacy in 'The last lecture'.

Hari yang kurang bersemangat

Hari ini kurang bersemangat untuk bekerja. kenapa?

1) Dapat tahu kene pergi course 2 minggu
2) Terlupa esok (Sabtu) rupanya kene datang ofis sbb ade company nak buat presentation
3) Ada banyak keje kene buat.. tp tak suka keje2 tu
a) Equipment lease agreement
b) 2 conference report
c) equipment technical spec
4) Mengenangkan kene pegi jepun seminggu bulan depan

Racist + Politics = Boring

Early this week Tun Mahathir in his blog made a post titled "To be or not to be a racist" (http://chedet.co.cc/chedetblog/2010/08/to-be-or-not-to-be-a-racist.html). I have to admit that he did made some points, which I do agree on some of them when I look from his point of view. As usual many bloggers made comments.. 165 comments to be specific. Everybody have their own opions and perceptions, some agree and some disagree. After reading several latest comments, it appears to me that almost everybody if not all feel that they are right. There are people who put the blame on the others, there are people who defend the side who being blamed. Semua pun 'perasan' yang diri sendiri betul. Very few who admit their mistake, apatah lagi highlight kelemahan diri sendiri. And there are people yang 'kaki ampu'.

You talk about racist, automatically it relates with politics. You talk about politics, it always about BN vs Pembangkang, it always about UMNO, PAS, PKR, DAP, MCA, MIC, etc. Haiyyoooo... very boring. Reading postings and comments on racist and political issues made me feel .... ntah lah! Boring ade, geram ade, marah ade, benci ade, malas nak layan ade, sedih ade, terkilan ade, menyampah ade, and all sort of feelings that I don't like.

Do we need to be racist? Perlu ker isu kaum dipolitikkan? Perlu ker parti politik mengikut kaum? Perlu ker kaum dikaitkan dengan politik? By the way, boleh tak kalau tidak ade langsung parti politik? Hmm.... saya mengeluh mengenangkan dan memikirkan bende ini. Boleh tak saya buat tidak tahu saje.. like I always did. Tapi sampai bila? Apa yang saya boleh lakukan? Jika berterusan ade 2 atau lebih .. saya perlu memilih. Pihak mana yang saya perlu pilih? How to choose? hhhmmm.... (mengeluh lagi)



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Where and What will I be?

Lately I've been thinking and asking myself "what and where will I be in the next 5 - years?", "will I still be working? Or perhaps become a full-time house wife? Or perhaps doing own business?" Sebenarnya bukan baru2 ni jer terfikir soalan2 ni.. tp dah lama. Cuma tak pernah benar2 serius memikirkannya. Maybe because I felt comfortable with the life I went through, the working environment, etc.. that made me feel its not important to think about it seriously.

Sometimes I asked myself "Do I really love this job? Am I really suit with research type of work?" Sometime the answer is 'yes'.. sometimes the answer is 'no'. One think for sure I stayed because I know the experience and knowledge I gain from here will help me to achieve my ambition - to be a lecturer. Whether it will be realized or not.. hanya Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui. But what have I done to accomplish my dream? Hhmm..

What if I don't become a lecture? What is my alternative? Opening a tuition centre is not a bad idea.. at least I can still do some teaching and coaching. Or perhaps run my own business or a family business. But so far I am not into business. I may not be a good businesswoman. 'Business' means 'risk' to me and I am not a risk-taker person. I've once thought of opening a pet shop, which include cat boarding facility and breeding and selling cats. I love cat. But still this idea is considered as a business. Opening a nursery seems a good business nowdays since many woman are working and some are opt not to have (Indonesian) maid (I am one of them .. hehehe). But it has its own risk too.. jaga anak orang tak sama dgn jaga anak sendiri.. Hmmm..

I envy some of my friends who do things that they love such baking, photography, writing. They are so passion about what they are doing and they don't seems bother with extra work. They are so dedicated. Some of them just quit their jobs and open business. They must be so determine of what they want. I wonder if I have such determination and passion? And in what??

I believe if my determination is strong enough I would have further study and completed my Master Degree or PhD so that I can achieve my ambition straight away.. hehehe. If I have passion in one thing I would have concentrate on it and dedicate myself to it. But none of them happened yet.. hehhehehe..

Have I lost motivation or driving force to achieve what I want? Or I don't know what I want in life and what I want to be? Hhmm...

2010

Wow!! dah masuk 2010. And this is my 1st entry for 2010. Rasa cam baru lagi masuk tahun baru. Padahal sebenarnya dah masuk February pun.. and today is 9th Feb!!! Cepatnya masa berlalu. Gambar header kat atas tu pun tak tukar lagi. Anak no 2 pun dah nak masuk 10 bulan. Huhuhu.. sian Amir. Sabar yer. Nanti mama ade masa mama tukar gambar header tu.

Sejak beberapa minggu yang lalu sy terlalu sibuk dengan R&D Day 2010. Sampai kerja2 R&D pun tak jalan. Tp hari ini setelah sekian lama terlalu sibuk... sy rasa macam tak de keje la pulak. Huhuhu.. bukan takde kerja sebenarnya. Ade.. cuma malas nak buat sbb takde urgency. Hahahah.. bleh tak camtu? Kalo boss tahu mesti dia kasi lagi byk keje.

Skang ni banyak update kat facebook jer. lepas geram yg skit2 pun bleh la tulis kat facebook. I think a lot easier la sbb facebook bleh access from mobile. Tp blog ni payah skit kot. Ntah.. tak pernah lagi try. Yang pasti susah la nak menaip pnjg2 kalo guna h/p. H/p pun biasa jer. Lain la kalo blackberry ker.. kan?

Pagi yang stress

Pagi ni sy rasa agak stress berikutan perkara2 berikut:-

1. Melihatkan task list yg panjang.. ade 20 task yg perlu di buat sebelum saya mula bercuti 20hb. Ni baru carry forward task dr bulan lepas. Task lain yg bakal menjelang tak masuk lg .. waaaa :(

2. Meeting with UM on Algae project has to be postponed to December sbb Ketua projek dr UM nak bercuti ke luar negara.. and she will only be back end of November. Yg geram tu.. dr bulan lepas sy dok email everybody to set the date for the meeting.. si Datin ni tak reply. aleh2 bila contact PA dia pg ni.. PA dia kata dia not available. Bgtau la awal2 kalo tak bleh attend. bleh set date lain. dia dah la ketua projek. Dah la Sime Darby funded for this algae project. . bila nak panggil meeting susah sgt. dah bape kali postpone meeting ni. skarang ni diorg dah mintak duit lagi .. banyak cantik!!! selagi tak de project meeting.. jgn harap sy nak release payment!!

3. Sample yg amik dari UIA smalam belum diuruskan. dah la sample tu nak kene simpan dlm fridge. tp sblum tu kene cairkan sample.. kene filter.. kene label elok.. etc.. sample bukan skit.. ade 50 sample.. waaaa :(

4. Report seminar biomass last week blum siap lg.. walaupun ade collegue dah buat.. tp tak cukup... kene tambah n olah semula.. need to think and analyze.. bleh ker siapkan hr ni? ni baru 2 task dr 20 task. lg 18 tak yah cerita lah..

5. hari ni dah 5 hb.. rumah sewa tak jumpa lgi.. by end of december nak kene pindah rumah sbb tuan rumah skang nak duduk rumah tu. rumah yg kitorang beli bulan 7 tahun depan baru siap. nak tak nak kena cari gak rmh sewa lain dulu.. rumah2 dlm kawasan kampung dah x de untuk disewa.. kalo ade rumah kosong pun.. x la plak tulis utk disewa ker.. di jual ker.. nanti nak kena kemas2 n pack barang2 kat rumah yg sgt byk tu.. sempat ker? kene amik cuti.. tp cuti pun dah tinggal 3 hr jer.. so how?? waaaaa:((

Apa2 pun sy bersyukur sbb Amir dah semakin pulih dr demam+batuk+selsema nye yg berlarutan sejak sebulan lalu.. Alhamdulillah... selera makan n minum dia pun dah bertambah.. to see him n Adam smiles makes all my worries n stress go away.. tp temporary jer.. x de stress x de worrie... keje x siap jugak kalo tak dibuat..

1st day Working

Yesterday was my 1st day at work after a long leave, 18 weeks - 9 weeks of medical leave + 9 weeks of maternity leave. Lama giler. Some of my friends harus la jeles kan.. huhuhu. Seawal 6 pg lg sy dah bgn bersiap.. bukan sbb bersemangat nak pergi kerja. Tp sbb byk bende nak kene buat. Pukul 7 sy dah kluar rmh hantar Adam dan Amir ke rmh K.Wati. Alhamdulillah Adam x byk kerenah pg smalam. Perjalanan ke ofis terasa sgt memenatkan..maklumlah dah lama sy x drive long distance. Sampai jer ofis pening gler kepala ni. Mungkin sbb pencahayaan yg terang dan mungkin juga sbb driving lama. Sy sampai ofis awal juga.. kol 8 tepat. Kira awal la tu... sbb sy mmg terkenal dgn dtg lmbt sblum2 ni :)

Di ofis pg2 lg En Faisal dah dtg jumpa sy utk discuss pasal KPI. Patutnya sy yg pegi jumpa dia. ni.. boss lak dtg jumpa sy..huhuhu. Lepas tu dia ajak pegi East Oil Mill utk jumpa 2 trainee student yg baru masuk bwh jagaan kitorang. Aduh.. 1st day dah kene gi mill. Sib baik x lama. Mata sy dah la mengantuk x cukup tido. Kalo sblum ni kalo x cukup tido waktu mlm pun.. siang masih bleh rehat. Tp ni kat ofis.. nak rehat camne pun. Dah la malam sblum tu pun Amir buat perangai susah tido lg. Dr kol 8.30 sy dok mendodoikan dia.. kol 10.30 br dia tido. Tgh mlm lak x lena tido nyer.. asyik gelisah jer. Tu yg sy jd x cukup tido tu. Balik dr mill sy habiskan masa mengemas tmpt sy yg bersepah. Buku2, document2, mcm2 la atas meja berdebu tak diusik sejak sekian lama. Lama jugak sy mengemas meja, locker , buat filing document, dll. Kira smalam mmg x mula kerja sgt lg lah. Pastu sy chatting dgn kwn lama.. huhuhu.

Kol 5.15 sy kluar dr ofir dan terus amik Adam n Amir di rmh babysitter. Kemudian balik rumah jap amik stroller Amir dan jln kaki bwk diorg ke playground tmn perumahan kami. Saje jer jln kaki.. dpt exercise skit. Balik rmh dah dekat jam 7. Sy melayan anak2 sementara tunggu hubby balik kerja. Adam time2 camni la dia byk kerenah nak itu ini. Jenuh la nak pujuk dia. Skang dia ni kalo nak sesuatu.. time tu gak dia nak. Kdg2 sy jd x bleh nak handle. Mlm lak lepas sy siap2 mandi n solat.. sy tidokan Amir. Spt mlm sblum nyer dia buat perangai susah nak ditidokan lg. Padahal mata dia dah ngantuk.. byk kali menguap. Lena kat riba tp bila letak jer terjaga balik. Last2 dia tido dlm pelukan sy lebih kurang kol 10.30 gak la. Agaknya ni la perangai baru Amir bila masuk 2 bulan.

Kesimpulannya.. I had a very extremely tiring and exhausting day yesterday. Kpl sy pening dr pg sampai la ke mlm. Bdn sakit2 mcm dah lama x exercise. Bdn pun panas mcm demam jer. Mlm lak x cukup tido. Makan mlm x menentu waktu. Masa dgn hubby n Adam jd terhad sbb byk masa dihabiskan utk menidurkan Amir. Melihatkan jadual sy smalam membuatkan sy terfikir lg ttg idea utk berhenti kerja. Sy rasa mcm x mampu nak melalui kehidupan spt smalam. Tgk lah camne.. mungkin hr ni lebih baik dr smalam ..

1st day for Amir Mukhriz

Hari ni hari pertama Amir dihantar ke rumah babysitter bersama abgnya Adam. Dan juga hr pertama sy tidak bersama Amir sejak dia lahir. Sebelum ni hati sy risau sgt mengenangkan mcm mana la nanti Amir duduk rumah org. Ok ker dia.. meragam ker dia.. Amir ni dah la manja n agak kuat menangis berbanding abgnya Adam dulu. Bukan sy tak percaya pd babysitter (Kak Wati) menjaga anak2 sy.. tp hati ibu mana yg tak risau nak meninggalkan anak di tangan org lain. Yer la.. 1st day berpisah (walaupun hanya di waktu siang).

Sy selalu meletakkan dan membayangkan diri sy di tempat Amir. Amir pun mesti terkejut. Why suddenly persekitarannya dan org2 dikelilingnya lain. Sure dia rasa unsecure. Paling sy kesian bila dia nak menyusu n nak tido. Yer la.. bila dok dgn sy Amir menyusu di badan. Nak tido pun nak menyusu badan jugak. Tp bila dok rumah babysitter ni.. minum susu mama dlm botol jer la. Mesti dia marah2 n menangis nanti. Walaupun sebulan sblum sy mula hantar dia ke rumah K.Wati sy dah train Amir minum susu dlm botol, tp sy cuma bagi dia sekali sehari. Tp hr ni Amir kene minum susu dr botol dr pg sampai la ke ptg.

Hari ni Amir duduk rumah 'ibu'nya, K. Wati.. suasana yg tentu asing bg dia. Dikelilingi org2 yg juga asing bg dia. Cuma harapkan ada Abang Adam nya lah. Org kata baby tak tahu ape2 lg. Tp sebenarnya baby mempunyai deria yg sgt peka. Baby bleh tahu jika org lain yg mendukungnya. Masa balik kampung baru2 ni pun.. Amir tak nak dgn org lain. Bila org lain yg dukung dia.. dia menangis. Mengenangkan tu semua.. buat sy rasa susah hati.. rasa nak menangis.. rasa nak pegi amik dia skang jugak. Tp sy kene kuatkan hati. Ni training buat Amir juga sy sendiri. Minggu ni sy masih blum bekerja. Minggu depan sy sudah mula bekerja dan sy perlu memberikan tumpuan pd kerja. Kalo minggu depan baru nak mula hantar Amir ke rmh babysitter.. mesti sy pun tak dpt nak focus pd kerja nanti... dok teringat kat anak. So dgn menghantar Amir seminggu lebih awal juga sebenarnya membantu sy menyediakan emosi sy utk pegi bekerja minggu depan. Harap2 sy berjaya mengharungi hari ni.. esok dan hari2 seterusnya....

Cabaran yang Mencabar

Hari ni masuk hr ke-4 sy menjaga Adam dan Amir. Sebelum ni hubby hantar Adam ke rumah babysitternya sblum dia pegi keje, kerana sy bimbang tak mampu nak menjaga kedua2nya bersendirian. Lg pun dah upah babysitter kan.. hantar jer la. Tp sejak hr isnin lalu babysitter ade emergency.. kakaknya kene strok.. masuk ICU. So.. 1st time la sy kene jaga dua2 putera bersendirian di rumah. PERKKHHH... SANGAT MENCABAR!!!. Yer la.. si abang walaupun dah besar (x de la besar mana pun) byk la kerenahnya. Nak itu.. nak ini.. Ade time dia baik senang la nak menjaganya. Tp bila time dia moody.. manja n mengada2 mengalahkan si adik. Tu belum masuk bab suka menjawab n sengaja sakitkan hati mama dia ni. Kdg2 sajer jer dia ckp kuat2 time adiknya tgh tido. Kdg2 lompat2 atas katil la. Sengaja nak tarik perhatian la tu. Mujur la dia masih mau mendengar kata. Cuma kene pandai caranya.

Si adik lak walaupun hanya tau minum susu dan tido jer.. demandnya tak kurang tingginya. Tak perlu la nak cerita byk di sini sbb dah byk sy bebelkan psl kepayahan menjaga si adik dlm enrty lepas. So.. just imagine nak jaga baby sorg pun susah.. inikan pulak ditambah dgn si abang. Aduh.. mmg stress sgt kdg2. Smpai nangis2 sy dibuatnya. Kdg2 ade juga marahkan si abang .. tp lepas tu sy kesian lak.. menyesal rasa.. pastu sy yg nangis. Kdg2 bila si adik susah sgt nah ditidurkan pun sy nangis.

Smalam (Rabu) hubby pergi kursus di Bukit Tinggi 3 hr 2 mlm. Esok mlm baru balik. Sy minta tolong abah datang temankan kami 3 beranak di rumah. Lg pun skang ni tgh cuti sekolah. Adik2 sy Nadjmi n Nadjihah bleh la temankan Adam. Adam mmg suka betul kalo tok, uncle n aunty dia tu dtg.. sampai tak nak gi rmh babysitter. Dgn adanya abah n adik2 ringan skit la beban sy. Bleh la nak sembahyg, mandi n makan dgn tenang skit. Tp tu la.. bila diorg ni ade kat rmh.. Adam asyik nak main jer. Main tak ingat dunia punya lah. Lari sana sini.. terjerit2.. gelak2.. kuat lak tu. Maka makin sukar la tugas sy menidurkan Amir. Bertambah payah lg bila Adam nangis bila ada yang tak kene sedang dia bermain dgn uncle n aunty nyer tu. Yer la.. uncle nadjmi n aunty nadjihah dah darjah 4 n darjah 2.. main lak dgn budak umur 2 tahun. Tentu la ada skit perbezaan kehendak.. kefahaman.. dan frequency. Sudahnya Adam jugak yg menangis.

Skang ni dua2 Adam n Amir tgh tidor. Sblum ni tak penah dpt dua2 tido serentak waktu siang. Baru la sy berpeluang surf internet, cek emel dan meluahkan perasaan kejap. tp sekejap jer... sbb sy dah mula dengar si adik merengek2 kegelisahan. Sakit perut agaknya. Sbb td masa sy menyusukan dia.. dengar perut dia bunyi2 angin. Kembung perut skit. Tp selalunya ok lepas dia berjaya kentut or berak. Hopefully....

Aduh.. sukarnya...

Aarrgghh :( ... Amir is giving me hard time lately. Susah betul nak tidurkan dia, especially waktu mlm. Jenuh dah susukan.. 'burb'kan.. dodoikan.. most of the time amik masa dekat2 sejam gak baru dia lena. Bila diriba/didukung.. senang jer dia terlelap. Tp bila letak jer.. terus terjaga balik. Kalo tak pun.. lena dlm 15min.. pastu terjaga balik. Kadang2 tu nampak sgt dia dah mengantuk benar.. berkali2 menguap.. tp mcm ditahan matanya supaya tak tertido. Yang pelik nya waktu siang tak la sesusah waktu malam bila nak tidorkan dia. Kadang2 waktu siang sengaja sy biarkan dia berjaga lama skit dgn harapan bila malam dia akan lebih mudah tidor. Tp tak jadi jugak..

Kami mmg tak ajar anak2 tido dalam buaian.. takut nanti susah pulak bila nak jalan2. Tp kat rumah babysitter.. Adam dulu mmg ditidorkan dlm buai. Sy tak salahkan babysitter pun.. mungkin jugak susah nak tidorkan dia. Amir ni nanti pun sy tak kisah kalo babysitter nak tidorkan dalam buai. Yer la.. dia pun ade jaga anak org lain. Mesti susah kalo nak concentrate kat Amir sorang jer. Sedangkan sy pun susah nak tidorkan dia. Inikan pulak org lain.

Kadang2 mmg rasa geram n nak marah jer. Yer la.. kita dah penat seharian jaga dia, malam lak dia buat perangai susah nak tido. Nanti tgh2 malam nak bangun menyusukan dia lg. Tp nak marah dan lepaskan geram pd siapa pun. Dah namanya baby.. dia bukan faham. Nak marahkan hubby... tak boleh juga. Dia pun dah penat seharian di tmpt keje. Kdg2 ada juga la dia tolong tidorkan Amir. Tp jarang2 la berjaya melenakan Amir. Sudahnya kat mama ni jugak yang Amir nak. Itu pun sy dah cukup bersyukur hubby blum lg bersungut sbb sy byk habiskan masa utk Amir. Makan mlm pun skang ni ala kadar jer. Makan pun asing2 sbb kalo Amir tak tidor lg.. salah sorang kene temankan dia. Ha.. ni lg satu masalahnya. Si Amir ni asyik nak berdukung n beriba jer. Dia nak sentiasa ada org temankan dia. Dah tu camne nak wat keje?

Aduuhh.. mencabar betul jaga anak sy yg no-2 ni. Seingat sy Adam dulu tak la sesusah ini nak dijaga. Waktu mlm pun dia cuma bangun 2 kali utk menyusu.. pastu sambung tido balik. Tp Amir ni.. kdg2 bila dah menyusu dia bantai berjaga plak 1-2 jam. Mcm mana la sy nak cukup tido. Skang ni sy masih bercuti tak pe la. Waktu siang bila Amir tido.. sy bleh tido skali (walaupun jarang dpt peluang tu). Tp mcm mana bila sy dah mula bekerja semula nanti? Sy risau keadaan ni berlarutan. Kadang2 terfikir nak berhenti kerja saje dan tumpukan pada keluarga. Tp kedudukan kewangan keluarga tak mengizinkan. Nanti mana cukup duit nak bayar rumah.. kereta.. monthly expenses lg. Org kata.. rezeki ada di mana2. Tp ntah la.. sy blum berani nak ambil langkah drastik berhenti keje. Lg pun tak sampai hati nak biarkan hubby tanggung sorg. Tgk org lain bleh jer besarkan anak2 dan keje dalam masa yg sama. Takkan sy tak boleh kan..

Mungkin ni cuma sementara. Harapnya bila Amir dah besar skit dlm 3-4 bulan.. dia lebih mudah dijaga. Waktu tido yg lebih teratur. Itulah harapan sy. Tp yg pasti bila dah besar skit nanti.. lain pula cabarannya nanti. Hmm.. tak baik betul sy ni dok mengeluh ttg kurniaan-Nya. Begitu sukar waktu sy mengandungkan dia.. bila dah lahir patutnya sy lebih bersyukur dan menghargai putera kurniaan-Nya ini. Tp sy mengeluh pulak. Astaghfirullahal'azim.. ini baru sedikit dugaan yg diberiNya. Blum lg dugaan anak sakit.. dan mcm2 lg. Betapa sukarnya membesarkan anak.. mcm2 pengorbanan dilakukan si ibu.. masa, tenaga, perasaan, wang.. etc. Patut la syurga itu di bawah tapak kaki ibu. Sy yakin siapa yg telah menjadi ibu.. pasti lebih faham perasaan ibunya kini.

Hmm.. sy ni mengeluh mcm tak penah ada anak plak. Padahal dulu sy berjaya mengharungi dugaan membesarkan anak sulong, Adam. Tp yer la kan.. cabarannya berbeza. Skang ni bukan stakat nak jaga Amir.. nak melayan kerenah Adam yg dah 2 tahun tu pun satu hal lg. Sungguh mencabar... Apa2 pun.. sy masih bersyukur dgn dikurniakan suami yg memahami.. anak2 yg sihat.. Walau sesusah mana pun menjaga dan membesarkan mereka.. mereka tetap mengembirakan dan menceriakan keluarga kami.

Kembali Menulis

Setelah sekian lama sy menyepi dr memblogging.. hr ni sy kembali menulis. Kalo ikutkan mmg dah lama sy nak menulis. tp keadaan kesihatan tak mengizinkan walaupun sy telah bercuti dan hanya duduk di rumah sejak awal februari. Kesukaran untuk berdiri, berjalan mahupun duduk lebih dr sejam banyak membataskan aktiviti sy. Akhirnya sepanjang 3 bulan ini sy banyak menghabiskan masa berbaring menonton TV saje. Walaupun dalam hati banyak yg ingin sy luahkan dan coretkan dalam blog. Dari sehari ke sehari sy berazam hendak menulis blog.. tp tak mampu. Alhamdulillah akhirnya dapat juga sy menyambung blog ini.


Kalo ikutkan hati sy nak cerita pengalaman mengandung anak ke-2 saya ni.. sgt berbeza dgn pengalaman mengandung anak pertama dulu. terlalu byk yg nak diceritakan sampai tak tahu di mana nak dimulakan. Pengalaman bersalin juga tak kurang hebatnya. Dan kini setelah 2 minggu lebih sy menjadi ibu kepada 2 anak lelaki.. bermacam2 cerita ingin sy coretkan. Tp tak tahu la samada semua cerita dan pengalaman itu akan dapat saya abadikan dalam blog ni. Insya-Allah...


Tp utk hari ini sy tak bercadang untuk berkongsi cerita2 itu semua. Sbb sy sedang mengikuti drama kegemaran sy yg baru.. Gelora Dihati Sara. Drama ni pernah ditayangkan sebelum ni. Tapi sy tidak mengikutinya kerana waktu tayangannya dulu sama dengan satu lagi drama yg sy ikuti di channel lain. Tp kali ni sy tak lepaskan peluang memandangkan sy pun masih bercuti. Tak sangka drama ni mmg best. Sesuai dengan tajuknya 'Gelora Dihati Sara'.. mmg sy dapat rasakan gelora dan gelodak di hati Sara. Kadang2 geram sgt dgn si Asrul, suami Sara tu.. dan kesian sgt kat Sara. Lagi satu.. soundtrack drama ni dua2 sedap. Nak kene cari mp3 kat internet ni :)

MS Project 2007 Training dan Cita-citaku

Smalam saya menghadiri internal training on Microsoft Project 2007 for R&D Executives. Instructor training ni cuma R&D exec dr company kitorg yg baru jer attend MS Project Training last month. Honestly sy rasa agak boring jugak la training ni.. walaupun instructor2 nya adalah org2 yg sy kenal. Basically training yg sy pegi smalam cuma untuk ajar user guna software MS Project 2007. Pada sy the software is just a tool that assist us to develop a gantt chart dgn more detail. All this while kitorang buat gantt chart pakai Microsoft Excel jer. Pada pendapat sy apa yg lebih penting ialah how to plan and manage your project. Kalo tak tahu nak plan project, our gantt chart sama jer no mater buat guna Excel of MS Project. Knowledge on project management perlu ada. It will definitely help us to fully utilize the MS Project software. Otherwise byk juga bende yg kita tak tahu /tak faham nape perlu set itu dan ini.

Sy juga agak kecewa dgn training ni. Material x teratur.. notes pun x de.. mcm x properly plan. Instructor pun adakalanya x dpt nak terangkan dgn jelas apa yg ditanya. Tp x de la sy nak salahkan diorg sgt.. sbb diorg pun baru belajar guna software tu. Dan diorg pun bukan cikgu/trainer. Tp sy rasa kalo diorg lebih bersedia.. mungkin penyampaian ilmu tu lebih berkesan.

Hmm.. rasa rindu pulak zaman masa jd tutor dulu. Sy suka mengajar. Sy suka berkongsi ilmu. Sy rasa puas bila dpt ajar org lain bende yg sy faham. Dan sy sanggup belajar bende baru demi nak ajar org lain. Mmg cita2 sy nak jd lecturer.. tp bila mengenangkan nak kena sambung belajar.. rasa cam jauh n lambat jer lg cita2 sy tu nak tercapai. Sy suka buat research.. tp sy x suka buat thesis.. so how?? Camne nak buat Master n PhD kalo camtu? Bila dah berkeluarga ni bertambah2 la cabaran nak sambung belajar. Kalo la determination sy betul2 kuat.. Insya-Allah sy bleh buat. Tp.. kuat ker determination sy ni? :P

Car Accident

Just now I read one of my friend's blog. She told about how she accidently slip at staircase and had minor injury. Luckly it was not a serious injury. Reading her story made me want to share mine. Few months back (on 14th August 2008 to be exact), I had an accident. I was on my way to the office after sending my son to the babysitter's house. The accident happened about 2-3km from the house. I was driving my little Kancil up a hilly road (the roads at that area is quite hilly), when i suddenly crashed faced to faced with another kancil coming from the opposite direction (in front of me). I really did not notice the car. I didnt even realize when I hit the car. The driver, who was a young lady (I assume around 22-24) said I was in her lane. As I didnt really remember and realize what actually happened, I just took whatever she said as true. Maybe I did got into her lane. Maklum jer lah, jalan kampung memang sempit. Nak berselisih pun susah. Somehow mesti termasuk lane org.. kan.


My little kancil
Some villagers and people passed by stopped to help. I was a bit stuck but still be able to get out of my car. It seemed to me that the young lady did not injured herself, as she could easily get out of her car and walked. Alhamdulillah I did not had any serious injury. Luckly I weared my seat belt that day. It saved me from any serious head injury. I got a cut in my mouth, between the nose and mouth, which was due to knocked at the steering. It caused me difficulty to speak and smile for almost 1 week. I suffered chest pain due to the impact of accident, during the first two weeks. I also suffered from knee injury. I still feel the pain until today when I do certain movement. And now when my body's weight increases due to pregnancy, the load on my knee also increases. Its painful especially during praying.


The other kancil I hit
Apa2 pun, Sy bersyukur sgt2 sbb masa accident Adam was not with me. Cant imagine if he was inside the car. Org2 kampung ckp kat situ mmg selalu org accident. Org kata tempat tu 'keras'.. wallahualam. Sy jugak bersyukur sbb tak mengalami kecederaan yg serius, sungguhpun kecederaan kereta boleh dikatakan agak serius. Nilai kerosakan berjumlah RM6850. Oleh kerana insured value kereta kancil saya rendah, insuran cuma membayar RM4000 sahaja, manakala selebihnya perlu ditanggung oleh saya. It took more than 4 months to settle everything.. insurance n fixing the car. Baru2 ni dah dapat balik kancil tu. But the condition is no longer the same as before. Bunyi enjin kasar jer. Bawak pun tak brape best. Tp boleh la pakai kalo nak drive dekat2. My hubby doesnt encourage me to travel to work everyday using that kancil, especially masa tgh mengandung ni. Tapi sebenarnya sy lagi suka naik kancil tu, minyak jimat. Dah la distance from home to office 50km. Dengan keadaan jalan yg byk lori dan batu2, sayang nak drive nissan tu.


Moral of the story.. sentiasa lah berhati2 ketika memandu. Always be prepared.. anytime.. anywher.. coz anything could happen to you. Some people asked whether I became phobia to drive after the accident. Alhamdulillah, Im not. I can still drive. Did I cry after the accident? No I did not cry immedietly after the accident. But I cried 2-3 hours after that...huhuhu.. Lambat skit impact dia. Tambahan pulak nangis sebab sakit sgt lutut yg cedera tu.

Trip ke India

Fuh!!!! Lega rasanya. Pagi ni PA boss besar sy call bagitau yg sy tak perlu ke India. Alhamdulillah... Sy pasti ade hikmahnya. 2 hari lepas sy diberitahu bahawa sy dan beberapa chief scientist yg lain akan mengikut boss besar ke India akhir bulan ni. Terkejut sy. Dah la dlm group tu sy sorg pompuan.. yg paling muda lak tu... junior scientist la katakan. Pelik jugak sy nape nama sy pulak yg naik. Diorg kata sbb sy incharge biodiesel research. Dan rombongan ke India tu nak visit Jatropha plantation dan biofuel research centre kat sana. Mungkin ade kaitannya.. tp sy rasa ade org lain yg lebih layak dan patut pergi berbanding sy. Oleh kerana masalah passport sy tak settle lg.. smalam sy bergegas menyelesaikan urusan passport di immigresen Shah Alam. Alhamdulillah passport dpt disiapkan by tghari. Dan smalam juga sy dah sign borang visa India di pejabat boss besar.

Namun pg ni.. bila PA boss besar call untuk inform yg sy tak perlu menyertai rombongan tu, sy rasa sgt2 lega. Tak perlu la sy runsing nak meninggalkan anak dan suami lagi. Lepas diberitahu 2 hr lepas.. kepala ni dok asyik terkenang camne la nanti Adam tido dgn papa dia. Dah la Adam tu manja dgn sy. Meninggalkan Adam adalah perkara paling susah utk dilakukan. Selain dr tu.. sy rasa lega jugak sbb tak perlu risau mengenai kesihatan dan ke'larat'an sy nanti. Sebenarnya sy pn tak yakin sy akan larat nak berjalan2 masa visit tu nanti. Sedangkan skang ni pun sy slalu sakit2 pinggang dan cepat penat. Skang ni baru 6 bulan. By the time pegi India nanti, kandungan sy dah nak masuk 7 bulan. Tp.. sy dah tak perlu risau psl sumer tu lg... sbb sy tak perlu pergi India :)

Namunbegitu.. dlm masa yg sama sy turut ada rasa sedikit kecewa dan terkilan. 1 - sbb sy dah susah2 pegi buat passport dan kluarkan RM300 smalam. Tak tau la bleh claim ker tak saya buat passport tu. Kalo ikutkan buat passport untuk urusan kerja boleh claim. Tp ni dah tak jadi pergi.. bleh claim ker eh?. 2 - terlepas peluang ke India.. negara yg belum sy jejaki. Ntah bila lg dpt peluang ke oversea ditanggung oleh company. hehehe.. nak pegi guna duit sendiri.. lama lg nampak gayanya. 3 - terlepas peluang belajar sesuatu yg baru. Org kata jauh berjalan luas pandangan. Ade sesetengah perkara tak boleh dipelajari dr buku jer. Peluang ke oversea ni pun penting utk career ladder sy dlm company ni. Apa2 pun.. bukan rezeki sy kali ni. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk hambaNya.

Oleh kerana sy tak jadi ke India, maka boleh la kami sekeluarga menyertai our Family Day di Ayer Tawar 24hb nanti. Yey!!! Seronok dapat berkumpul ramai2.. jumpa ahli keluarga yg lain. Dah lama tak jumpa diorg.. ramai juga yg blum tau sy mengandung.. huhuhuhu

Bengang dan Geram!!

Aduh.. geramnya!!! Sejak 2-3 minggu lepas company sy telah mem'block' kebanyakan website yang sering sy kunjungi (bukan sy saja.. ramai lg yg lain masuk website2 tu). Antara yg telah di'block' termasuk lah yahoomail, hotmail, gmail, facebook, friendster, youtube, etc. Walaubagaimanapun sesetengah website lain (spt blogspot, fotopages, photobucket) masih boleh dikunjungi. Download lagu pun dah tak boleh skang ni.

Saya tak kisah kalo IT Dept nak block website2 yang lain. Sy akui sesetengah org leka sgt melayari website sampai tak buat keje. Yang buat saya sgt2 geram ialah kenapa perlu diorang block public email tu, especially yahoomail, gmail dan hotmail. Kebanyakan kami lebih prefer menggunakan email luar berbanding email company (xxx@simedarby.com) terutamanya untuk attachment, walaupun untuk urusan kerja. Ini kerana email company SANGAT SLOW.. SELALU HANG.. dan kadang2 email yang dihantar TAK SAMPAI. Lawak kan.. dah jadi macam snail mail pulak.. surat hilang tgh jalan. Ada yang beri alasan server jadi SLOW kerana ramai yang melayari website2 tu. Mungkin ada kebenarannya. Tapi perlu ker sampai block email??

Saya tak kisah sgt kalo IT Dept nak block email luar. Tp biar la email system SIME DARBY ni cukup efficient. Ni nak bukak email pun slow.. apatah lagi nak reply/forward/attach. IT Dept tak dpt nak terima ker hakikat sistem diorang belum cukup bagus? Ini la yang dikatakan 'marahkan nyamuk, bakar kelambu'. Skang ni kalo nak access juga yahoomail, perlu dapatkan kebenaran dari IT Manager. Org tu org besar dalam Sime Darby.. agak2nya dia nak layan ker approval utk masuk yahoomail ni? Eeeeiiii.. geram betul saya!! Setiap kali nak bukak email company mesti rasa stress. Apatah lagi bila nak email. Dari tadi sy dok cuba nak email asyik hang jer. Geraammmmmm!!!! (Ya Allah.. kurniakan lah kesabaran buat hambaMu ini) :

Why am I feeling down?

It has been more than 2 weeks I've been feeling so down and not quite myself. I feel sick, demotivated, unenergetic and damn so lazy. In fact it started since the accident I had almost a month ago. I am not fit physically and mentally. It started with physical pain and it affected my emotional. When my body recovered (except for the knee.. still have the pain till today.. hhmm.. am I turning into OKU (org kurang upaya)??.. nauzubillah).. my emotional still have not. I did 'mandi pulih semangat'. But it got better just a little while before it got worse. I dont think its because of the accident. My hypothesis is.. I may be pregnant and it got worse because of fasting.. its Ramadhan. But its not fair to blame on fasting. Not fair to blame on the pregnancy either. Fasting is supposed to 'clean up' your mind and soul. And pregnancy is a gift from Allah. But the effect of 'pembawakan budak' plus the puasa is so damn tak best langsung. I really hope I'll get better once the fasting month ended. And I really hope all the unstable hormones and whatever is happening inside my body rite now will stabilize after week-16. hhhmm.. if my calculation is correct.. i am in week 8.. aaaarrggghhh... 8 weeks to go. But that is just less than a half of pregnancy duration. Another different challenge(s) will come after week 16.

But the question is.. am I really pregnant? I have not checked. I just assume based on my period.. and all the morning sickness that I am having. I strongly believe (at least 90%) that it is true.. that I am pregnant. Why didnt I go for a pregnancy test? hhmm.. one of the reason is I dont want my husband get too excited. He already excited when I told him that my period was a week late. He already told my son that he's going to get a little brother/sister when he first time saw me vomitted in the morning. Most of all I dont want him telling everybody that I am pregnant again. I can guess what peoples reactions will be. My son is only 16 months... not even 2 years old. I'm afraid that he is too young to get a little brother/sister. I am also afraid to receive negative comments about me being pregnant ("cepat nyer", "kesian adam.. kecik lg dah dpt adik", "tak sampai 2 tahun dah ngandung lg?", bla..bla..bla). Anyway.. we did not plan for this. Am I ready to get pregnant? Honestly.. no. But I am already pregnant. I have to face it.. carry it .. anyway..

But another question is.. it is really true that this pregnancy makes me feel so down? It does makes me sick and unenergetic.. thats physical. But how about this lazy things and demotivated? Why am I feeling so damn lazy to go to work every morning? I feel demotivated too. I have to admit that sometimes the abundance of work stressed me out. Too many work to be done. I cant concentrate on any. I hate it.. because I am doing research. Focus is essential in this type of work. Sometimes I feel like resigning. Not because the pay or the benefits are not good. But more or less is because I am too tired. I feel overloaded. Why cant I discuss this problem with my boss? Because I dont think he/they will understand. Anyway.. they are the one who gave me all these works. Can I refuse to do the job given when they give to me? hhmm.... I dont know if I can.

Whatever it is.. I am tired. I want to go home and sleep... or watch some vcd/dvd to relax.

R&D Day and MC

Last night I was informed by my boss (thru sms) that I was nominated to be co-MC for the R&D Day. I was not surprised, but more disappointed. Earlier, about 2 days ago, I was told by the head of my sub-committee of R&D Day, that I was nominated as back-up MC. I didn’t agree. But what can I say? I was nominated by my Director. I can’t refuse to take the task, or else I won’t get any bonus this coming July. Furthermore we just had our appraisal last 2 weeks. Arrrgghh..

I wonder why Mr Director nominated me. I have no experience being MC. I am still new with the company. 2 years is still considered junior executive. I proved nothing to him that I can be an MC. I don’t know if can deliver the task. In fact I have not yet deliver the article he asked me to write. How can he nominated me to handle for such big event, where Tun Musa Hitam, Dato Seri Zubir and Dato Azhar will be the guests of honour. There are many others who capable of being MC, those with fluent English, not me. Aarrrrgghh..

I’m not just worried about delivering the task. Preparation is another thing. Who will prepare the script? I am taking a 1 week leave the whole next week. My baby sitter is taking a leave from Monday to Wednesday, and we are going back to my hubby’s kampong on Tuesday’s night till Sunday. We have bought flight ticket for that, which we had planned much earlier. Its RM400 tau!!! The worst thing is there will be a full rehearsal on Friday, where we will be still in kampong. We can’t just cancel the ticket. If we want to change the date, we have to pay few hundreds more. And that is why my hubby was so upset last nite. I am extremely upset too. I don’t know what to do. I am trapped!!!

I once was advised by my boss. He said “if the company calls u to come to work, even during the weekend or during your holiday, you must come back”. At that time we were asked to come on Sunday to work because some VIP wanted to visit our labs. But I didn’t show up because we were in kampong. What a coincident. Everytime balik kampong also. So this time, I have no reason to refuse.

The only solution I can think about right now is come back earlier. We will still go back to Kelantan on Tuesday night, but my son and I will come back to Sepang on Friday morning, so that I can still attend the rehearsal, and know what to do on Monday the R&D Day. I hope its worth for what I am sacrificing.

Article and Innovation Workshop

When I was asked by my SVP I to write an article about a workshop I attended, to be published in our company bulletin, I was surprised. I was wondering if he actually wanted to send the instruction (thru sms) to somebody else, instead of me. He was one of the observers in the workshop. I guess maybe he instructed me because among the participants, I was the most junior executive he knows. I kinda worried initially. I don’t know if I could write a good article. My English is terrible, very straight forward, with limited vocabulary. Blogging wouldn’t be that difficult as I can just mix up the Malay-English anywhere anytime I feel like doing so. But writing an article is different, especially for a company bulletined. I just hope that I’ll manage to write something that meets my boss’s expectation. Bak kata one of Akademi Fantasia’s participants, Nadia – “Redah ajerr”. By hook or by crook, I must write something. It is an order. It has been a week since the 2-days workshop ended. But I haven’t started to write anything yet. How????